Duh on my forehead

My sister has been listening to Murphy. She calls me this afternoon to wake me from my wonderful dream. from her cell phone.

"hey do you have any cake?"

"Cake??!!um... what?" (youd think id be used to calls like this after 19 years)

"white cake mix"

"UMM...hold on..." (still half asleep i stumble to the pantry..then back to the phone..im still trying to figure out whyi didnt just go back to sleep and pretend she never called)
"ok...i have two betty crocker whites and some pillsbury whites"

"k..thanks" (click)

i am now holding the dead line...wide awake... so i try to take a nap on the couch. just as i am drifting off...

(slam! thump jingle jingle) i open one eye...its my sister...

"hey" i say.. (ignored..again)

"do you have any heart shaped pans?"

"um...might... or bj has them... check with the other cake pans"

(clang bang crash) "uhh... heh... dont see em" (wide awake again..pans all over the floor)

she then flops some roses down on the counter, and proceedes to make some white cake. soon the smell is making me drool. ohh now i want to beat her.

"who's the roses from?" i ask

"from? they are for friends"

"oh. need my cake decorating stuff?" ( i was a cake decorator)

"no, its for dad"

"All of it??!!!" ( i know better than to ask that..i got that same whole-cake-eating trait from him)

"yeah,,,,,," she looks at me again like i'm an alien.

"that warm cakey goodness is killing me... you know i like cake fresh and hot...are you kiling me?" and she actually made it PERFECT...ohh the humanity

"no im killing him" (dad's diabetic and it s not non-sugar)

"he still has amaryl right?" she asks. (his medicine)

"yah, hes still good" (duh i just bought him 120.00 worth and you were there!) *sigh*

so i get ready for another fun filled night in bedlam aka the hospital. just as im leaving she says

" i think i need to make a cake for me" i could kill her if i could get across the room and still make it to work in time.

"well if you feel like taking me some...yah.. see you tomorrow"

i have now been drooling since 830pm over a cake. that i cant have... or should i say....TWO cakes.

i have not been to the vending machine... two letdowns in one night would send me into a spiral..

but cake and potato chips sound good right now too...

(twitching)

(drooling)

(bangs head on counter and cries "why me!??!")

(people strapped down pointing and laughing at me)

Nymphos can't get love

And i am the last of a dying breed.. a prude to boot. I want to die happily in the threos of passion with my man (manless right now)... murphy said it was too much to ask, and i should seek a profession in nevada... i declined. What real man wouldnt want a petite blonde nympho all the time???? Murphy its all your fault! *bangs head on wall* (by the way this is my whiney blog entry... beware)

So Murphy has decided that i work the 13th and 14th. No big deal, i'm too freaky to have a real live model fiancee...again.. actually i like to think i was just too smart and quirky (read really wierd here..and an idiot savant) for him. whatever. I wanted a big screen and wanted him to paint his chevelle...not the ring.... He wanted...girls that didnt want that. Murphy stepped in there...and bonked him on the head. In a round about way, Murphy got me again. so Third year without a bf/

So tonight and the next night i will endeavor to stay away from the mulititude of males rushing in to the ER...because they are para-suicidal....and i am a mean woman. Maybe its because guys older than my grandpa and younger than my little sister insist on hitting on me while they are strapped to the bed....or they hit on me and are then strapped to the bed. maybe that was what they wanted...bondage for v day/ they got it. heck im happy with a 22 inch corset. but i digress...

If the demon animals let me sleep after work, i will dig out some good ole anime and some horror and sci fi stuff and munch on some home made cookies... in my lightstick green room... and buy some potato goodness that wont get stuck in a vending machine. and daydream... about big screens, big beds and.... nevermind.... maybe ill just go into work early and laugh...

Mocking Lays

I stood there. Anticipating. Hoping. Only to find it mocking me. After spending a whole .75, it would not deliver. The vending machine mocked me, flaunting its potato goodness at eyebrow height. One tiny bottom infinitesimal corner- that's all it was held by. The bright yellow sack stood straight out, almost touching the unbreakable plexiglass. I called my coworker to tell her should she call and I am not there, to assume the worst. I had been arrested for kicking the vending machine for mocking me and taking my precious change.

"why haven't you kicked it yet?"

"have you seen me try to kick anything? A praying mantis could kick harder than me."

"heheh. Well... Jerry always beats on it till it drops"

" JML I would be arrested. You can buy the paper that says ' worker arrested in vending machine fight. Machine wins. Worker to pay huge fine'. "

(laughing on the line)
"Not to mention I would probably hurt my hand or something and have to pay the 100.00 copay to be seen in my own ER!"
(more laughing)
" I can see the Dr too.... What happened? I hit the vending machine for mocking me. It wouldn't give me my chips."

(Dr) " no pain killers for you! Go back to work!"

(more laughing and a snort)

"oh I think I heard a thump over there."

"you did?"

"yeah, if it didn't drop, you'll hear me screaming down the hall. Or ill be arrested"

(snickering) " we'll bail you out"

click.

(screaming)

(crying and whining)

(pitiful thumps on plexiglass)

Andy-Bob and Sparrow Legs

Update on the two kittens. They are samurai (the tan one) and Ninja (the black one). They now weigh more than my cat(about a year now) and they are only a couple months old. Vitimins, yep...good old kitty steroids. Ninja enjoys playing on dad as a jungle gym, and Samurai has caught two sparrows already. This is a feat for two deck dwelling cats. The deck is 14 ft off the ground. He caught them balancing on the railing. We managed to get most of the feathers out of the "solar" dad made for them, which is a 6x3x3 glass enclosure where the door is to the deck. its easier for him to feed them.but we somehow missed the sparrow leg. the other day, a squirrel was on the deck. Dad, who hates all squirrels, told andy (the dog) to sic em. the dog laid down and moaned. Samurai came over in the midst of a blue streak, let out a high pitched mew, puffed up, rubbed against dad, then shot off the deck. We didnt even know he could race down the stairs, let alone knew what they were for. the cat chases the squirrel to the fence (electrocuted) and almost catches it. So he races back up the stairs, where dad gives him treats and much petting. we will be putting a bell on him to keep him from eating too many birds. sparrows he can eat his fill of though, and starlings.

the dog, known as andy, is now andy-bob. He has gained enough weight since the kittens have arrived (food jealousy) to add another dog. Thus bob was born. andy will run away, bob is too lazy, bob wont share food, andy will. he doesnt like us making fun of him either. for some odd reason. andy-bob will eventually become andy-bob-sid if he keeps hoggin all the food. a dog with multiple personalities....an i live in a sane world.

who needs cable with this kind of entertainment?

Shades of blah

So my sister, dad, and I have been passing this crud around for three weeks. My sister, the hardest hit of us, has her tonsils hitting her uvula. We finally convince her to go to the dreaded doctor. We get to my Dr (hers is booked) and find out ...She has mono. But she had that 5 years ago she said...umm..Weirdo. Her, not the Dr. So he gives her some lidocane to numb the tonsils.ooo good stuff. So we go home,and she plops herself in front of the puter, where she starts reading peoples blogs. She lands on one about cock rings. I never knew she could talk to me about that stuff. We had fun. We were talking about gay roosters eventually...Believe me, if I could remember it (huge migraine right now) I would post it. Needless to say, we both couldn't breathe after that blog. It was right up there with my dad and his girlfriend, and me on goofy meds. He needed his back popped, she offered to help.
"Why don't you just lay down and let me do it?"

"no dammit I am fine" (which went on for 5 mins or so) then...

"just lay down so I can sit on you and pop your thingy"

thats when I started giggling uncontrollably. She caught on first thing

"OMG beck! ahhahahhahah.. I didn't even get that one...."

and im thinkin... He hasn't yet either....Ahem...

about that time, dad is leaning over the counter red faced and trying not to laugh audibly...hes shaking so hard i can see it across the room.

ten years ago, I would have been sent to my room for that...Its amazing what a divorce will do for the ego....He is much more laid back.

I made my exit...Giggling still... While my sister turned shades of green and exclaimed "I cant believe it...ohhh I am going to be sick with that visual"

for those that don't know... I don't cuss, nor say evil things like that for the most part... I just think them....Be glad I don't post most of them... yet

so I went to my room to sleep 30 of the next 36 hrs, and let my cat use me for his personal cat bed. he had the audacity to picker my elbow when it wasnt out far enough past the pillow for him to lay on... then he has to picker my forarm to "arrange" my arm to conform to his standards. flops down on my arm.... then tucks his head under at a cockeyed angle on my pillow.... and puts my arm to sleep while he snores. he has this knack for doing it just as i am getting up to make a potty run. he is the devil's own....thats scared of dwarf hamsters out of the cage....long story.